Cardinal crankiness

We have a lot of cardinals on our property.  They are absolutely gorgeous birds, especially in the winter when we are starved for color.  But there’s one that sits in the bush by our front window (one of the few windows that we can actually open!) and cheeps incessantly.  Not a pretty bird song, just a monotonous loud “CHEEP.  CHEEP.  CHEEP.”  that keeps on going for hours.

Photo of a cardinal I took a few years ago, at a different house. I think he’s in a maple tree.

I actually thought it was a cricket at first, it was that sort of annoying sound.  Most days I can pretty much ignore it, but today my head is killing me and I wish he would just pick another bush, maybe one at the back of the house.

I wish I had taken a great photo of the cardinals this winter, but alas, my 2007 camera died last year, then this year my cheap replacement camera died, too.

Life with long-term depression

Inspired by "22 Honest Confessions From People Struggling With Depression" I wrote the following "glimpse into a life with long-term depression."

Some days getting out of bed, and staying out, is all I can manage.  On a good day, I stay out of bed and cook dinner.  On a better day, I stay out of bed, cook dinner, and wash the dishes.  On a really good day, I stay out of bed, do some laundry, cook dinner, and wash the dishes.  On a great day, I stay out of bed, leave the house, cook dinner, and wash the dishes.

Leaving the house always means washing my face, brushing my teeth, and usually putting on clean underwear… things that don’t necessarily get done on the other days.

Yes, it is pathetic that my milestones are the things most people take for granted and do every day without a bit of thought.  But so what if I am pathetic sometimes?  Every bit of progress is a step forward!  Every great day leads to more great days.

Last year I was doing the dishes about twice a week (sometimes not even that often!)  Since we moved into the new house, I have done the dishes before bed almost every single night.  That is major progress!!!

Last year I went several months (3 to 6, I can’t remember now) without changing the sheets on our bed.  Now, every time I take a shower (which, sadly, due to circumstances somewhat beyond my control, is only once a week when we drive to the truck stop), I change my sheets and offer to change my husband’s sheets, too.  Yeah, we sleep in separate beds, in the same room.  In fact, my bed is a twin sized air mattress.  We are still “camping” in our new house in many ways.

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: depression & anxiety. Most doctors don’t bother to put a specific label on it (they just give me some pills and recommend that I see a therapist), but in the last 20 years I’ve done a lot of reading about depression, and at various times I could have qualified for diagnoses of: episodes of major depression (clinical depression), chronic depression (dysthymia / dysthymic disorder), cyclothymia (cyclothmic disorder), SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder.)

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: Anxiety in 1988, Depression in 1989, Infertility in 2005.

3. But I had symptoms since: Depression since 1986 at least, probably earlier.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: remembering to take my antidepressant pills daily!

5. Most people assume: I don’t care about anyone but myself. The truth is, I don’t write or call my grandmother, mother, etc very often because I don’t want to expose them to my crappy mood!

6. The hardest part about mornings are: getting the motivation to leave the bed.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: (none, I don’t watch medical TV shows)

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: Seriously, “I couldn’t live without?” I think I could manage to live without ANY gadget. Although a good knife is certainly a handy tool that I use often. I do enjoy having my laptop & tablet to access the internet, but I could certainly live without them.  I already lived without TV for several months at a time, it was not that bad. And I really do not like having a cell phone interrupting me all the time!

9. The hardest part about nights are: going to bed at a reasonable time, and then staying asleep.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please). Three antidepressant pills (all the same kind) and generally zero vitamins. In the recent past, I had 3 of one kind in the mornings, and 2 of a different kind of antidepressant in the evenings. I am also supposed to take a mega-dose of Vitamin D once a week, but I often forget.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: know that I should get more sunshine & exercise, they DO help me a lot. I would like to try massage on a regular basis. I wish I could remember to do meditation (my previous therapist had me do guided meditations in her office, and it was helpful, but I forget to do it on my own.)

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: VISIBLE! A missing leg or even diabetes, people can understand… but a mental illness is completely misunderstood.

13. Regarding working and career: I enjoy working with the public part of the day (and I am good with people) but I also enjoy the peace of having some time “in the back” or “behind the scenes” for part of the day.

14. People would be surprised to know: that on any given day, I have no particular desire to be alive. I don’t actively want to die, but I wouldn’t care if I did die.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: that apparently the depression will never really go away.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: ????

17. The commercials about my illness: The one with the cloud of depression that follows the woman is very accurate about how I feel. Also, the one with the woman who has to “wind up” to keep going all day.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: The symptoms of depression (sadness, hopelessness) make it difficult for me to be socially active (sometimes I just don’t feel like going to the trouble of leaving the house, sometimes I feel overly self-critical and I don’t want my friends to see me looking so fat or with a pimple, etc.)

19. It was really hard to have to give up: my desire to be a mother. Even if we could conquer the infertility (or adopt), I just don’t think I could take care of a child properly, when I can’t even manage to take care of myself and my pets properly.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Nothing in particular, hobbies come and go throughout a person’s lifetime, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with health.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I dunno, I have my moments, perhaps even days, when I feel normal and I enjoy life. But the depression always returns sooner or later.

22. My illness has taught me: that not all “mental illnesses” mean you are crazy.

23. One thing people say that gets under my skin is: “Just snap out of it!” or “Go get a job and you’ll feel better” or “You can always adopt.” Seriously folks, if it was that easy I would have already done it!  :-)

24. But I love it when people: invite me to do things with them.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I wish I could remember one, I used to have a few posted on my cubicle at work, but I’m not working anymore so they are packed away somewhere.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Just because depression is classified as a “mental illness” does not mean that you are crazy.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:  how on some days I can read scientific/technical things and understand them just fine, and on other days I can’t concentrate enough to make much sense of it.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Some friends gave me a birthday party. They baked a cake and invited our other friends, and some of their neighbors (who I didn’t know, but enjoyed meeting), and I had a really good time.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: the “30 things” meme sounded interesting.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: I hope that you learned something about “invisible illnesses.”  They are all very different.

To read more about invisible illnesses, see http://invisibleillnessweek.com/submit-article/30-things-meme/

National Depression Screening Day: Sharing Experiences Can Help

"National Depression Screening Day: Sharing Experiences Can Help" 

So says a recent CNN article by Kat Kinsman. So here I go with a short rant about depression, and that article.

Terrie Williams, an author and publicist, says “Black folks tend to see mental illness as a character flaw, a sign of weakness…”

Hey, it’s not just black folks! Until quite recently, the entire American society, traditionally based on the Puritan work ethic, has led us to think of depression as a weakness & character flaw. A depressed person’s lack of energy to get up and do normal daily activities is seen as laziness.  A depressed person’s lack of desire to go out and do things with friends & family is seen as anti-social. A depressed person’s difficulty concentrating at work is seen as being “not a team player” or not dedicated to their profession. A depressed person’s difficulty concentrating at school is seen as stupidity or lack of being serious about earning a degree.

In fact, that depressed person is most likely berating herself for not doing well at school & work, and desperately wants to be enjoying life with friends, but simply cannot muster up the energy to get out of bed or get out of the house. She may resist a friend’s invitation to dinner & a movie because she has been stress-eating and feels “too fat” — or she doesn’t want her circle of friends to see her with the pimple that suddenly came out of nowhere and is obviously glowing like Rudolph’s nose. Or for the simple reason that she hasn’t had the energy to do laundry in weeks, and has “nothing decent to wear.”

The CNN article quotes J. Fairweather as saying, “The full blown version [clinical depression] - the kind that is truly physiological and for which no medications have any effect - is witheringly exhausting, both physically and mentally. … People have no idea the immense burden that you are carrying and you are judged as if you are normal.”

But normal we are most definitely NOT. And it can be so frustrating to think that “if only they knew” what I am feeling, they might cut me some slack, show me some understanding… but I can’t tell them!

The depressed person’s injury is not constantly visible like a broken leg, or even a frequent reminder like a diabetic checking their blood sugar at mealtime… the depressed person’s injury is completely invisible. A cancer patient’s illness may be accidentally disclosed by frequent absences from work for treatment, or hair loss, or puffiness from chemotherapy — and although a very private person may wish that his/her cancer was not a topic of conversation, there is nothing inherently embarrassing about having cancer.

Not so with depression. We fear letting the world know about our “mental illness” because we fear the stigma.  We fear that people may think that all mental illnesses are alike; if we have a diagnosis of depression, that’s practically the same as saying we are schizophrenic or psychopathic, right?  I know that kind of thinking is wrong, and I hope that anyone who matters to me would not think that way, and yet I still fear “coming out” as a depressed person. I fear the impact it could have on my current job, my future job prospects, my ability to be married someday.

Hell, I’ve suffered from multiple bouts of depression for multiple decades, and the majority of my extended family has no clue. Those close family members who know do not understand. They think I don’t care about spending time with them, when in fact I’d be there for every holiday, every kid’s sporting event and school play, if only they would invite me. Sometimes what I need most is to go to those everyday family events… but they don’t invite me, because they think I don’t care… when in fact I am very hurt by my erroneous perception that they don’t care enough to want me around.

Depression is a vicious cycle. Does it help me to share? I don’t know. Does it help other depressed people to read my story and not feel so alone? I hope so.

Terminal Cancer

My mother-in-law (MIL) has Stage IV cancer -- basically the worst kind.  And it's in 3 parts of her body, multiple tumors in each organ.  She is receiving palliative care only (treatment to make her more comfortable as she makes the inevitable slide toward death.)  She is not receiving any treatment to "cure" the cancer or prolong her life.

Over the past 3 weeks, she received about a dozen radiation treatments to shrink the tumors in her brain.  She has also been on a drug called Decadron to reduce the swelling in her brain.  The tumors and the swelling were both affecting the ability of her brain to send proper signals to the rest of her body, so she's been having trouble walking.  Some days she has had partially slurred speech and a weak hand.  And most days she is so tired, she sleeps most of the time.

Photo by flickr user Bibliotek

This photo (by flickr user Bibliotek) is an example of the setup for a patient receiving radiation treatment to the brain.  The mask is clamped to the table to keep the patient's head steady during the treatment.  My MIL hated that mask!  She was so glad when her radiation treatments were over yesterday, so she could get rid of that uncomfortable thing.

The doctor told us that radiation treatment does not begin to show any benefits until about 2 weeks after it occurs, so we hope to be seeing some changes soon.  In the meantime, the Decadron has been helping.  Unfortunately, it is a rather toxic chemical, so doctors usually don't recommend taking it for more than 1 month...  Over the weekend her month ran out, and we saw a rapid decline in her health.  On Tuesday we got permission to extend her prescription for another 3 weeks, gradually tapering off the dosage.

Decadron is a steroid, and like the "roid rage" we've all heard of in certain bodybuilders, it can cause rapid mood swings.  Today was a roller-coaster!  In the beginning, her strength and coordination were very good, her mood was upbeat, and she wanted to get into the kitchen and do some cooking.  I helped her make an apple crisp / apple crumble, then she went back to bed.  Later she walked into the dining room and exploded, yelling and crying.  She didn't want our help for anything.  She said "If I can't do it myself, I don't want it!"  While I admire her independent spirit, she really does need our help to keep her from falling, to bring her food & water, etc.  Later she complained that her breathing had been shallow all day.  As the afternoon wore on, her coughing got worse and worse.  After dinner, my sister-in-law (SIL) put her on oxygen.

Lung cancer cell.  Credit: Anne Weston, LRI, CRUK. Wellcome Images

It's so nerve-wracking to hear her coughing for hours and hours.  The palliative care is supposed to give her a better quality of life, in the short time (3-6 months) they have predicted that she has left.  But coughing for hours is not good quality!  I wish there was something I could do.  But decades of smoking have caused the lung tumors, which then spread to the brain and liver.  She's coughing up a lot of phlegm, which may be from the cancer, or may be a cold....  The hospice nurse will be here tomorrow, thank God!

I feel so helpless.  I've only been married to her son for a few years, and we live far away, so I barely know my MIL or SIL.  Being together this past 10 days has certainly been a bonding time for us, but of course not the way we would have preferred to get to know each other!  My SIL has been here for a month (luckily her boss is happy to let her telecommute.)  I try to reduce her burden by running errands, washing dishes, vacuuming, and looking after my MIL during the hours when my SIL has to work.

I often feel like I should be doing more... but I don't want to be a pest, hovering over my MIL all the time.  She has lived alone for many years, and has a very independent streak!  And I feel like sometimes they just need mother-daughter time, so I don't intrude when they are watching TV together in the evenings.  I've been spending a lot of time online working on their family genealogy, which is quite fascinating actually.

Ugh!  She is still coughing!  But as long as she is coughing, she is breathing, so we know she is alive....

Color & Creativity

2011-10-22 Saturday

For several years I’ve been trying to BLOG to deal with some of the STRESS in my life.  But my writing has been very sporadic.  Often my head feels empty, but actually it is so FULL that it’s like white noise – nothing distinct.  I waste hours and hours on the Internet.  So maybe it’s time to go “old school” and pick up a pen again.  Or, better yet, colored pencils!  I used to be a reasonably good artist (when I was a child) – so why not try again?  After all, who is the judge of what is “good” in art?  And I’ll never get any better if I don’t try.  So on Monday, after seeing my therapist, I bought this sketchbook and some watercolor pencils.

Let’s see what I can do!

Ok, here's a close-up that's been color-corrected:

2011-10-22 Saturday (page 2)

OK, so I’m not terribly impressed with my first effort.  But that doesn’t mean I will give up!

I really MUST get out of this depression and do “something productive” with my life!

WHAT do I want to do with my Life?

It’s really quite SIMPLE.

Is this what they call “naïve art?”   

"You’re pretty naïve if you think that’s art!"

I am obsessed with owning a home.  Even if it’s a tiny house.  Even if it’s on wheels.  I am so tired of living out of boxes.

2011-10-22 Saturday ((Page 3))

So I can see that this will be a very time-consuming way to journal….

I have so much to say, but it just doesn’t want to come out right now.  The crazy amount of SUGAR I’ve consumed today may have something to do with it….

NOT A VEGETABLE IN SIGHT

I am a man

Of constant sorrow…

I’ve seen trouble

All my days…

Next week I am going halfway across the country to help out my mother-in-law.  I really want to take my little dog with me, but my husband says “NO!”  My dog is my surrogate child.  I am very dependent on her.  And she is very dependent on me.  I may be gone for several months… and I am terrified that she will die of a broken heart.

 2011-10-22 Saturday (((page 4)))

Gray Day

It’s dark in the house right now.  And I don’t mean just the lighting…

This is another of those days that is so cloudy that it seems like perpetual twilight.  I need my sunshine!  I get so depressed and lethargic on days like this.  But I can’t afford to be lethargic today, I have so much to get done.

I was watching “Hoarders” on TV earlier.  I really have mixed feelings about that show.  My mother, who was so proud of her clean & well-decorated house when I was growing up, has become a hoarder in the last decade.  And when I’m depressed, which is apparently most of the time, I let my house go….  I’m a lot like my mother in many ways and I’m scared that I may turn into a hoarder someday.  Maybe that’s why I’m so fascinated by the Tiny House movement.  If my home was only a couple hundred square feet, I’d have to get rid of most of my stuff, and I’d *have to* keep it tidy.

I’ve been dreaming of building my own house on a trailer.  It could be exactly the way I want it, totally customized to my personality and my tastes.  I think I have some really good ideas for space-saving furnishings that would make it feel much more spacious than a travel trailer or one of the Tumbleweed Tiny Houses on wheels.  And the greatest part is that I’d never have to worry about being homeless.

Homelessness is a new worry for me, since I’ve been unemployed for over 2 years now.  I am totally dependent on my husband’s income.  And what if he got laid off, divorced me, or (God forbid) died?  I couldn’t even pay one month’s rent.  I would have to move in with my hoarder mother!  Or perhaps move in with my very-elderly grandmother, but what about my pets?  I really empathize with the thousands of people who have lost their homes and are struggling in a relative’s basement, or even worse, living in a van down by the river!  (See, even in the midst of my depression, I can joke a little.  I think that’s what keeps me sane.  Well, *mostly* sane, anyways.)

 

I really need to ask my husband about life insurance…  I think his company provides a small policy as part of his benefits package.  But last time I checked (which is when we were both working) I think his beneficiary was his mother.  We might want to get that changed….

What can I do to make this gray feeling go away today?  Well, for starters, turn on some lights!  I actually have some really cute lamps (thanks Target and Lowes!)  Taking off my husband’s flannel shirt and getting in the shower would help too.  Sometimes my depression is so bad that I forget basic things like daily showering & brushing my teeth.  It’s pretty embarrassing to admit that!  When I was working, no matter how depressed I felt or how late I got out of bed, I never left the house without doing those two things and putting on clean clothes.  But now I have neither routine nor motivation… 

Okay, I have a bit of a routine.  I get out of bed at some random time in the morning, either because my husband getting ready for work woke me up, or because my little dog wants to eat / go potty and keeps licking my face and/or whining.  I throw on yesterday’s clothes, which are conveniently located in a pile at the side of the bed.  And I carry the dog out to the back yard, then back into the house and slowly watch her waddle to the kitchen.  I feed the dog, feed the cats, feed myself (cereal) and turn on my laptop.  I *may* pack a lunch for my husband.  Then I spend the next 8-12 hours on the internet, with occasional random (mostly dog-prompted) breaks for meals & bathroom breaks.  My husband always calls when he gets off work, to ask me if I need him to stop at the store on the way home (I always say no, feeling guilty that I had all day to do the shopping…)  Then I spend the next 45 minutes rushing around making it look like I actually did something all day…  I make the bed, wash the dishes while putting together a quick dinner, maybe throw some ingredients into the bread machine or some towels into the washer.  Did you notice what is NOT in my routine?  Shower etc., leave the house, interact with other human beings… it’s not uncommon for me to go several days without doing any of those things.

But today I’ve already accomplished much more than usual:  1 load of towels out of the dryer (not folded yet), 1 load of towels in the washer AND in the dryer, 1 load of sheets in the washer.  And I cooked dinner.  It’s only 3 pm, I could accomplish a lot more today!  I opened the stupid mini-blinds and turned on the lamps, and I’m eating Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies, so I’m starting to feel much better.  And perhaps this journaling is helping, too.  :-)