Terminal Cancer

My mother-in-law (MIL) has Stage IV cancer -- basically the worst kind.  And it's in 3 parts of her body, multiple tumors in each organ.  She is receiving palliative care only (treatment to make her more comfortable as she makes the inevitable slide toward death.)  She is not receiving any treatment to "cure" the cancer or prolong her life.

Over the past 3 weeks, she received about a dozen radiation treatments to shrink the tumors in her brain.  She has also been on a drug called Decadron to reduce the swelling in her brain.  The tumors and the swelling were both affecting the ability of her brain to send proper signals to the rest of her body, so she's been having trouble walking.  Some days she has had partially slurred speech and a weak hand.  And most days she is so tired, she sleeps most of the time.

Photo by flickr user Bibliotek

This photo (by flickr user Bibliotek) is an example of the setup for a patient receiving radiation treatment to the brain.  The mask is clamped to the table to keep the patient's head steady during the treatment.  My MIL hated that mask!  She was so glad when her radiation treatments were over yesterday, so she could get rid of that uncomfortable thing.

The doctor told us that radiation treatment does not begin to show any benefits until about 2 weeks after it occurs, so we hope to be seeing some changes soon.  In the meantime, the Decadron has been helping.  Unfortunately, it is a rather toxic chemical, so doctors usually don't recommend taking it for more than 1 month...  Over the weekend her month ran out, and we saw a rapid decline in her health.  On Tuesday we got permission to extend her prescription for another 3 weeks, gradually tapering off the dosage.

Decadron is a steroid, and like the "roid rage" we've all heard of in certain bodybuilders, it can cause rapid mood swings.  Today was a roller-coaster!  In the beginning, her strength and coordination were very good, her mood was upbeat, and she wanted to get into the kitchen and do some cooking.  I helped her make an apple crisp / apple crumble, then she went back to bed.  Later she walked into the dining room and exploded, yelling and crying.  She didn't want our help for anything.  She said "If I can't do it myself, I don't want it!"  While I admire her independent spirit, she really does need our help to keep her from falling, to bring her food & water, etc.  Later she complained that her breathing had been shallow all day.  As the afternoon wore on, her coughing got worse and worse.  After dinner, my sister-in-law (SIL) put her on oxygen.

Lung cancer cell.  Credit: Anne Weston, LRI, CRUK. Wellcome Images

It's so nerve-wracking to hear her coughing for hours and hours.  The palliative care is supposed to give her a better quality of life, in the short time (3-6 months) they have predicted that she has left.  But coughing for hours is not good quality!  I wish there was something I could do.  But decades of smoking have caused the lung tumors, which then spread to the brain and liver.  She's coughing up a lot of phlegm, which may be from the cancer, or may be a cold....  The hospice nurse will be here tomorrow, thank God!

I feel so helpless.  I've only been married to her son for a few years, and we live far away, so I barely know my MIL or SIL.  Being together this past 10 days has certainly been a bonding time for us, but of course not the way we would have preferred to get to know each other!  My SIL has been here for a month (luckily her boss is happy to let her telecommute.)  I try to reduce her burden by running errands, washing dishes, vacuuming, and looking after my MIL during the hours when my SIL has to work.

I often feel like I should be doing more... but I don't want to be a pest, hovering over my MIL all the time.  She has lived alone for many years, and has a very independent streak!  And I feel like sometimes they just need mother-daughter time, so I don't intrude when they are watching TV together in the evenings.  I've been spending a lot of time online working on their family genealogy, which is quite fascinating actually.

Ugh!  She is still coughing!  But as long as she is coughing, she is breathing, so we know she is alive....

Comfort Food

 In my bachelor days (is there a word for a single female? I dunno.) I often made a meal of whatever finger food I could find.  Tortilla chips with a warm bowl of refried beans + salsa + cheese was a favorite.  Tonight I plowed through quite a lot of that.  I guess I’ve been “angst-y.”  Okay, there’s no “guess” about it – I’m stressed! 

It’s been about 10 days since we found out that my mother-in-law has an incurable cancer.  There are so many things to worry about!  How is she feeling emotionally?  Is she at peace with her life (and impending death), and “right with God?”  Is there anything she regrets never doing?  Can we help her with any of that?  When can we afford to go halfway across the country to visit her?  My husband has been working lots of overtime to earn airfare money, since there’s no more room on the credit cards (…another worry…)

And there’s the guilt.  I could have been a better daughter-in-law.  I could have written her actual LETTERS instead of just sending greeting cards a few times a year.  I could have spoken to her on the phone more often, instead of just reminding my husband to “call your mother.”  And the biggest guilt of all:  I never gave her a grandchild.

The doctors have estimated that she has 3 months to live.  Since I am unemployed, basically sitting on my butt doing nothing useful all day, I volunteered to go stay with her as long as needed, so her daughter can go back to work.

So there’s a few things I have to do here before I can go.  There’s an absolute MOUNTAIN of laundry to do!  And I played around on Pinterest all day, instead of going to the laundromat…  Now it’s too late to go, and my husband is going to be annoyed when he gets home and there’s still bags of dirty clothes in the living room.