Color & Creativity

2011-10-22 Saturday

For several years I’ve been trying to BLOG to deal with some of the STRESS in my life.  But my writing has been very sporadic.  Often my head feels empty, but actually it is so FULL that it’s like white noise – nothing distinct.  I waste hours and hours on the Internet.  So maybe it’s time to go “old school” and pick up a pen again.  Or, better yet, colored pencils!  I used to be a reasonably good artist (when I was a child) – so why not try again?  After all, who is the judge of what is “good” in art?  And I’ll never get any better if I don’t try.  So on Monday, after seeing my therapist, I bought this sketchbook and some watercolor pencils.

Let’s see what I can do!

Ok, here's a close-up that's been color-corrected:

2011-10-22 Saturday (page 2)

OK, so I’m not terribly impressed with my first effort.  But that doesn’t mean I will give up!

I really MUST get out of this depression and do “something productive” with my life!

WHAT do I want to do with my Life?

It’s really quite SIMPLE.

Is this what they call “naïve art?”   

"You’re pretty naïve if you think that’s art!"

I am obsessed with owning a home.  Even if it’s a tiny house.  Even if it’s on wheels.  I am so tired of living out of boxes.

2011-10-22 Saturday ((Page 3))

So I can see that this will be a very time-consuming way to journal….

I have so much to say, but it just doesn’t want to come out right now.  The crazy amount of SUGAR I’ve consumed today may have something to do with it….

NOT A VEGETABLE IN SIGHT

I am a man

Of constant sorrow…

I’ve seen trouble

All my days…

Next week I am going halfway across the country to help out my mother-in-law.  I really want to take my little dog with me, but my husband says “NO!”  My dog is my surrogate child.  I am very dependent on her.  And she is very dependent on me.  I may be gone for several months… and I am terrified that she will die of a broken heart.

 2011-10-22 Saturday (((page 4)))

Comfort Food

 In my bachelor days (is there a word for a single female? I dunno.) I often made a meal of whatever finger food I could find.  Tortilla chips with a warm bowl of refried beans + salsa + cheese was a favorite.  Tonight I plowed through quite a lot of that.  I guess I’ve been “angst-y.”  Okay, there’s no “guess” about it – I’m stressed! 

It’s been about 10 days since we found out that my mother-in-law has an incurable cancer.  There are so many things to worry about!  How is she feeling emotionally?  Is she at peace with her life (and impending death), and “right with God?”  Is there anything she regrets never doing?  Can we help her with any of that?  When can we afford to go halfway across the country to visit her?  My husband has been working lots of overtime to earn airfare money, since there’s no more room on the credit cards (…another worry…)

And there’s the guilt.  I could have been a better daughter-in-law.  I could have written her actual LETTERS instead of just sending greeting cards a few times a year.  I could have spoken to her on the phone more often, instead of just reminding my husband to “call your mother.”  And the biggest guilt of all:  I never gave her a grandchild.

The doctors have estimated that she has 3 months to live.  Since I am unemployed, basically sitting on my butt doing nothing useful all day, I volunteered to go stay with her as long as needed, so her daughter can go back to work.

So there’s a few things I have to do here before I can go.  There’s an absolute MOUNTAIN of laundry to do!  And I played around on Pinterest all day, instead of going to the laundromat…  Now it’s too late to go, and my husband is going to be annoyed when he gets home and there’s still bags of dirty clothes in the living room.