Terminal Cancer

My mother-in-law (MIL) has Stage IV cancer -- basically the worst kind.  And it's in 3 parts of her body, multiple tumors in each organ.  She is receiving palliative care only (treatment to make her more comfortable as she makes the inevitable slide toward death.)  She is not receiving any treatment to "cure" the cancer or prolong her life.

Over the past 3 weeks, she received about a dozen radiation treatments to shrink the tumors in her brain.  She has also been on a drug called Decadron to reduce the swelling in her brain.  The tumors and the swelling were both affecting the ability of her brain to send proper signals to the rest of her body, so she's been having trouble walking.  Some days she has had partially slurred speech and a weak hand.  And most days she is so tired, she sleeps most of the time.

Photo by flickr user Bibliotek

This photo (by flickr user Bibliotek) is an example of the setup for a patient receiving radiation treatment to the brain.  The mask is clamped to the table to keep the patient's head steady during the treatment.  My MIL hated that mask!  She was so glad when her radiation treatments were over yesterday, so she could get rid of that uncomfortable thing.

The doctor told us that radiation treatment does not begin to show any benefits until about 2 weeks after it occurs, so we hope to be seeing some changes soon.  In the meantime, the Decadron has been helping.  Unfortunately, it is a rather toxic chemical, so doctors usually don't recommend taking it for more than 1 month...  Over the weekend her month ran out, and we saw a rapid decline in her health.  On Tuesday we got permission to extend her prescription for another 3 weeks, gradually tapering off the dosage.

Decadron is a steroid, and like the "roid rage" we've all heard of in certain bodybuilders, it can cause rapid mood swings.  Today was a roller-coaster!  In the beginning, her strength and coordination were very good, her mood was upbeat, and she wanted to get into the kitchen and do some cooking.  I helped her make an apple crisp / apple crumble, then she went back to bed.  Later she walked into the dining room and exploded, yelling and crying.  She didn't want our help for anything.  She said "If I can't do it myself, I don't want it!"  While I admire her independent spirit, she really does need our help to keep her from falling, to bring her food & water, etc.  Later she complained that her breathing had been shallow all day.  As the afternoon wore on, her coughing got worse and worse.  After dinner, my sister-in-law (SIL) put her on oxygen.

Lung cancer cell.  Credit: Anne Weston, LRI, CRUK. Wellcome Images

It's so nerve-wracking to hear her coughing for hours and hours.  The palliative care is supposed to give her a better quality of life, in the short time (3-6 months) they have predicted that she has left.  But coughing for hours is not good quality!  I wish there was something I could do.  But decades of smoking have caused the lung tumors, which then spread to the brain and liver.  She's coughing up a lot of phlegm, which may be from the cancer, or may be a cold....  The hospice nurse will be here tomorrow, thank God!

I feel so helpless.  I've only been married to her son for a few years, and we live far away, so I barely know my MIL or SIL.  Being together this past 10 days has certainly been a bonding time for us, but of course not the way we would have preferred to get to know each other!  My SIL has been here for a month (luckily her boss is happy to let her telecommute.)  I try to reduce her burden by running errands, washing dishes, vacuuming, and looking after my MIL during the hours when my SIL has to work.

I often feel like I should be doing more... but I don't want to be a pest, hovering over my MIL all the time.  She has lived alone for many years, and has a very independent streak!  And I feel like sometimes they just need mother-daughter time, so I don't intrude when they are watching TV together in the evenings.  I've been spending a lot of time online working on their family genealogy, which is quite fascinating actually.

Ugh!  She is still coughing!  But as long as she is coughing, she is breathing, so we know she is alive....

Color & Creativity

2011-10-22 Saturday

For several years I’ve been trying to BLOG to deal with some of the STRESS in my life.  But my writing has been very sporadic.  Often my head feels empty, but actually it is so FULL that it’s like white noise – nothing distinct.  I waste hours and hours on the Internet.  So maybe it’s time to go “old school” and pick up a pen again.  Or, better yet, colored pencils!  I used to be a reasonably good artist (when I was a child) – so why not try again?  After all, who is the judge of what is “good” in art?  And I’ll never get any better if I don’t try.  So on Monday, after seeing my therapist, I bought this sketchbook and some watercolor pencils.

Let’s see what I can do!

Ok, here's a close-up that's been color-corrected:

2011-10-22 Saturday (page 2)

OK, so I’m not terribly impressed with my first effort.  But that doesn’t mean I will give up!

I really MUST get out of this depression and do “something productive” with my life!

WHAT do I want to do with my Life?

It’s really quite SIMPLE.

Is this what they call “naïve art?”   

"You’re pretty naïve if you think that’s art!"

I am obsessed with owning a home.  Even if it’s a tiny house.  Even if it’s on wheels.  I am so tired of living out of boxes.

2011-10-22 Saturday ((Page 3))

So I can see that this will be a very time-consuming way to journal….

I have so much to say, but it just doesn’t want to come out right now.  The crazy amount of SUGAR I’ve consumed today may have something to do with it….

NOT A VEGETABLE IN SIGHT

I am a man

Of constant sorrow…

I’ve seen trouble

All my days…

Next week I am going halfway across the country to help out my mother-in-law.  I really want to take my little dog with me, but my husband says “NO!”  My dog is my surrogate child.  I am very dependent on her.  And she is very dependent on me.  I may be gone for several months… and I am terrified that she will die of a broken heart.

 2011-10-22 Saturday (((page 4)))

Gray Day

It’s dark in the house right now.  And I don’t mean just the lighting…

This is another of those days that is so cloudy that it seems like perpetual twilight.  I need my sunshine!  I get so depressed and lethargic on days like this.  But I can’t afford to be lethargic today, I have so much to get done.

I was watching “Hoarders” on TV earlier.  I really have mixed feelings about that show.  My mother, who was so proud of her clean & well-decorated house when I was growing up, has become a hoarder in the last decade.  And when I’m depressed, which is apparently most of the time, I let my house go….  I’m a lot like my mother in many ways and I’m scared that I may turn into a hoarder someday.  Maybe that’s why I’m so fascinated by the Tiny House movement.  If my home was only a couple hundred square feet, I’d have to get rid of most of my stuff, and I’d *have to* keep it tidy.

I’ve been dreaming of building my own house on a trailer.  It could be exactly the way I want it, totally customized to my personality and my tastes.  I think I have some really good ideas for space-saving furnishings that would make it feel much more spacious than a travel trailer or one of the Tumbleweed Tiny Houses on wheels.  And the greatest part is that I’d never have to worry about being homeless.

Homelessness is a new worry for me, since I’ve been unemployed for over 2 years now.  I am totally dependent on my husband’s income.  And what if he got laid off, divorced me, or (God forbid) died?  I couldn’t even pay one month’s rent.  I would have to move in with my hoarder mother!  Or perhaps move in with my very-elderly grandmother, but what about my pets?  I really empathize with the thousands of people who have lost their homes and are struggling in a relative’s basement, or even worse, living in a van down by the river!  (See, even in the midst of my depression, I can joke a little.  I think that’s what keeps me sane.  Well, *mostly* sane, anyways.)

 

I really need to ask my husband about life insurance…  I think his company provides a small policy as part of his benefits package.  But last time I checked (which is when we were both working) I think his beneficiary was his mother.  We might want to get that changed….

What can I do to make this gray feeling go away today?  Well, for starters, turn on some lights!  I actually have some really cute lamps (thanks Target and Lowes!)  Taking off my husband’s flannel shirt and getting in the shower would help too.  Sometimes my depression is so bad that I forget basic things like daily showering & brushing my teeth.  It’s pretty embarrassing to admit that!  When I was working, no matter how depressed I felt or how late I got out of bed, I never left the house without doing those two things and putting on clean clothes.  But now I have neither routine nor motivation… 

Okay, I have a bit of a routine.  I get out of bed at some random time in the morning, either because my husband getting ready for work woke me up, or because my little dog wants to eat / go potty and keeps licking my face and/or whining.  I throw on yesterday’s clothes, which are conveniently located in a pile at the side of the bed.  And I carry the dog out to the back yard, then back into the house and slowly watch her waddle to the kitchen.  I feed the dog, feed the cats, feed myself (cereal) and turn on my laptop.  I *may* pack a lunch for my husband.  Then I spend the next 8-12 hours on the internet, with occasional random (mostly dog-prompted) breaks for meals & bathroom breaks.  My husband always calls when he gets off work, to ask me if I need him to stop at the store on the way home (I always say no, feeling guilty that I had all day to do the shopping…)  Then I spend the next 45 minutes rushing around making it look like I actually did something all day…  I make the bed, wash the dishes while putting together a quick dinner, maybe throw some ingredients into the bread machine or some towels into the washer.  Did you notice what is NOT in my routine?  Shower etc., leave the house, interact with other human beings… it’s not uncommon for me to go several days without doing any of those things.

But today I’ve already accomplished much more than usual:  1 load of towels out of the dryer (not folded yet), 1 load of towels in the washer AND in the dryer, 1 load of sheets in the washer.  And I cooked dinner.  It’s only 3 pm, I could accomplish a lot more today!  I opened the stupid mini-blinds and turned on the lamps, and I’m eating Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies, so I’m starting to feel much better.  And perhaps this journaling is helping, too.  :-)

Comfort Food

 In my bachelor days (is there a word for a single female? I dunno.) I often made a meal of whatever finger food I could find.  Tortilla chips with a warm bowl of refried beans + salsa + cheese was a favorite.  Tonight I plowed through quite a lot of that.  I guess I’ve been “angst-y.”  Okay, there’s no “guess” about it – I’m stressed! 

It’s been about 10 days since we found out that my mother-in-law has an incurable cancer.  There are so many things to worry about!  How is she feeling emotionally?  Is she at peace with her life (and impending death), and “right with God?”  Is there anything she regrets never doing?  Can we help her with any of that?  When can we afford to go halfway across the country to visit her?  My husband has been working lots of overtime to earn airfare money, since there’s no more room on the credit cards (…another worry…)

And there’s the guilt.  I could have been a better daughter-in-law.  I could have written her actual LETTERS instead of just sending greeting cards a few times a year.  I could have spoken to her on the phone more often, instead of just reminding my husband to “call your mother.”  And the biggest guilt of all:  I never gave her a grandchild.

The doctors have estimated that she has 3 months to live.  Since I am unemployed, basically sitting on my butt doing nothing useful all day, I volunteered to go stay with her as long as needed, so her daughter can go back to work.

So there’s a few things I have to do here before I can go.  There’s an absolute MOUNTAIN of laundry to do!  And I played around on Pinterest all day, instead of going to the laundromat…  Now it’s too late to go, and my husband is going to be annoyed when he gets home and there’s still bags of dirty clothes in the living room.

This is Life?

I just took the dog out to get cider and donuts.  At the convenience store.  At 10 pm.  And it's the first time I've left the house in a week.  Not exactly an auspicious beginning to "turning over a new leaf" this Autumn.  Welcome to the ongoing saga of a recovering chronically-depressed middle-aged longterm-unemployed infertile-babycrazy woman.