30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: depression & anxiety. Most doctors don’t bother to put a specific label on it (they just give me some pills and recommend that I see a therapist), but in the last 20 years I’ve done a lot of reading about depression, and at various times I could have qualified for diagnoses of: episodes of major depression (clinical depression), chronic depression (dysthymia / dysthymic disorder), cyclothymia (cyclothmic disorder), SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder.)

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: Anxiety in 1988, Depression in 1989, Infertility in 2005.

3. But I had symptoms since: Depression since 1986 at least, probably earlier.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: remembering to take my antidepressant pills daily!

5. Most people assume: I don’t care about anyone but myself. The truth is, I don’t write or call my grandmother, mother, etc very often because I don’t want to expose them to my crappy mood!

6. The hardest part about mornings are: getting the motivation to leave the bed.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: (none, I don’t watch medical TV shows)

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: Seriously, “I couldn’t live without?” I think I could manage to live without ANY gadget. Although a good knife is certainly a handy tool that I use often. I do enjoy having my laptop & tablet to access the internet, but I could certainly live without them.  I already lived without TV for several months at a time, it was not that bad. And I really do not like having a cell phone interrupting me all the time!

9. The hardest part about nights are: going to bed at a reasonable time, and then staying asleep.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please). Three antidepressant pills (all the same kind) and generally zero vitamins. In the recent past, I had 3 of one kind in the mornings, and 2 of a different kind of antidepressant in the evenings. I am also supposed to take a mega-dose of Vitamin D once a week, but I often forget.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: know that I should get more sunshine & exercise, they DO help me a lot. I would like to try massage on a regular basis. I wish I could remember to do meditation (my previous therapist had me do guided meditations in her office, and it was helpful, but I forget to do it on my own.)

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: VISIBLE! A missing leg or even diabetes, people can understand… but a mental illness is completely misunderstood.

13. Regarding working and career: I enjoy working with the public part of the day (and I am good with people) but I also enjoy the peace of having some time “in the back” or “behind the scenes” for part of the day.

14. People would be surprised to know: that on any given day, I have no particular desire to be alive. I don’t actively want to die, but I wouldn’t care if I did die.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: that apparently the depression will never really go away.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: ????

17. The commercials about my illness: The one with the cloud of depression that follows the woman is very accurate about how I feel. Also, the one with the woman who has to “wind up” to keep going all day.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: The symptoms of depression (sadness, hopelessness) make it difficult for me to be socially active (sometimes I just don’t feel like going to the trouble of leaving the house, sometimes I feel overly self-critical and I don’t want my friends to see me looking so fat or with a pimple, etc.)

19. It was really hard to have to give up: my desire to be a mother. Even if we could conquer the infertility (or adopt), I just don’t think I could take care of a child properly, when I can’t even manage to take care of myself and my pets properly.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Nothing in particular, hobbies come and go throughout a person’s lifetime, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with health.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I dunno, I have my moments, perhaps even days, when I feel normal and I enjoy life. But the depression always returns sooner or later.

22. My illness has taught me: that not all “mental illnesses” mean you are crazy.

23. One thing people say that gets under my skin is: “Just snap out of it!” or “Go get a job and you’ll feel better” or “You can always adopt.” Seriously folks, if it was that easy I would have already done it!  :-)

24. But I love it when people: invite me to do things with them.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I wish I could remember one, I used to have a few posted on my cubicle at work, but I’m not working anymore so they are packed away somewhere.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Just because depression is classified as a “mental illness” does not mean that you are crazy.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:  how on some days I can read scientific/technical things and understand them just fine, and on other days I can’t concentrate enough to make much sense of it.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Some friends gave me a birthday party. They baked a cake and invited our other friends, and some of their neighbors (who I didn’t know, but enjoyed meeting), and I had a really good time.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: the “30 things” meme sounded interesting.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: I hope that you learned something about “invisible illnesses.”  They are all very different.

To read more about invisible illnesses, see http://invisibleillnessweek.com/submit-article/30-things-meme/

Gray Day

It’s dark in the house right now.  And I don’t mean just the lighting…

This is another of those days that is so cloudy that it seems like perpetual twilight.  I need my sunshine!  I get so depressed and lethargic on days like this.  But I can’t afford to be lethargic today, I have so much to get done.

I was watching “Hoarders” on TV earlier.  I really have mixed feelings about that show.  My mother, who was so proud of her clean & well-decorated house when I was growing up, has become a hoarder in the last decade.  And when I’m depressed, which is apparently most of the time, I let my house go….  I’m a lot like my mother in many ways and I’m scared that I may turn into a hoarder someday.  Maybe that’s why I’m so fascinated by the Tiny House movement.  If my home was only a couple hundred square feet, I’d have to get rid of most of my stuff, and I’d *have to* keep it tidy.

I’ve been dreaming of building my own house on a trailer.  It could be exactly the way I want it, totally customized to my personality and my tastes.  I think I have some really good ideas for space-saving furnishings that would make it feel much more spacious than a travel trailer or one of the Tumbleweed Tiny Houses on wheels.  And the greatest part is that I’d never have to worry about being homeless.

Homelessness is a new worry for me, since I’ve been unemployed for over 2 years now.  I am totally dependent on my husband’s income.  And what if he got laid off, divorced me, or (God forbid) died?  I couldn’t even pay one month’s rent.  I would have to move in with my hoarder mother!  Or perhaps move in with my very-elderly grandmother, but what about my pets?  I really empathize with the thousands of people who have lost their homes and are struggling in a relative’s basement, or even worse, living in a van down by the river!  (See, even in the midst of my depression, I can joke a little.  I think that’s what keeps me sane.  Well, *mostly* sane, anyways.)

 

I really need to ask my husband about life insurance…  I think his company provides a small policy as part of his benefits package.  But last time I checked (which is when we were both working) I think his beneficiary was his mother.  We might want to get that changed….

What can I do to make this gray feeling go away today?  Well, for starters, turn on some lights!  I actually have some really cute lamps (thanks Target and Lowes!)  Taking off my husband’s flannel shirt and getting in the shower would help too.  Sometimes my depression is so bad that I forget basic things like daily showering & brushing my teeth.  It’s pretty embarrassing to admit that!  When I was working, no matter how depressed I felt or how late I got out of bed, I never left the house without doing those two things and putting on clean clothes.  But now I have neither routine nor motivation… 

Okay, I have a bit of a routine.  I get out of bed at some random time in the morning, either because my husband getting ready for work woke me up, or because my little dog wants to eat / go potty and keeps licking my face and/or whining.  I throw on yesterday’s clothes, which are conveniently located in a pile at the side of the bed.  And I carry the dog out to the back yard, then back into the house and slowly watch her waddle to the kitchen.  I feed the dog, feed the cats, feed myself (cereal) and turn on my laptop.  I *may* pack a lunch for my husband.  Then I spend the next 8-12 hours on the internet, with occasional random (mostly dog-prompted) breaks for meals & bathroom breaks.  My husband always calls when he gets off work, to ask me if I need him to stop at the store on the way home (I always say no, feeling guilty that I had all day to do the shopping…)  Then I spend the next 45 minutes rushing around making it look like I actually did something all day…  I make the bed, wash the dishes while putting together a quick dinner, maybe throw some ingredients into the bread machine or some towels into the washer.  Did you notice what is NOT in my routine?  Shower etc., leave the house, interact with other human beings… it’s not uncommon for me to go several days without doing any of those things.

But today I’ve already accomplished much more than usual:  1 load of towels out of the dryer (not folded yet), 1 load of towels in the washer AND in the dryer, 1 load of sheets in the washer.  And I cooked dinner.  It’s only 3 pm, I could accomplish a lot more today!  I opened the stupid mini-blinds and turned on the lamps, and I’m eating Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies, so I’m starting to feel much better.  And perhaps this journaling is helping, too.  :-)